I solemnly swear that when you are under my care, I will not make gross faces when you lift your shirt and show me your weird growth.
I will smile and nod when you explain your reason for returning to the Emergency Department 3 hours after your last discharge.
I will refrain from using a 14 gauge needle for your IV even though your chief complaint includes getting feminine products lodged in undesirable places.
I will devote myself to keeping eye contact while you stand in front of me and discuss your “priapism situation.”
When you wander into the hallway looking for coffee, I will only wait 5 minutes before telling you your gown is not tied.
When I ask what your “medical emergency” is, I vow to rephrase the question as many times as medically necessary until you explain what the actual “emergency” is.
I will not snicker when you explain to me that you are allergic to needles and need oral antibiotics for your newly diagnosed venereal disease.
When you use unseemly nicknames for your body parts, I will scatter your chart with direct quotations so that the doctor reviewing said chart will prejudge you fairly aggressively.
By my troth, if you came in walking I shall not allow you to leave in a wheelchair unless you suffered an unfortunate accident while in my care.
After your fourth drug allergy I vow to not space out and write in the comment section, “All of the above.”
I commit to disposing of the 32oz soda you brought with you by slowly dumping it into the sink while grinning like Jack Nicholson in the Shining.
Upon seeing a single drop of blood during the insertion of your IV and questioning my years as a nursing professional, I pledge to make up a completely unreasonable number and stand by it for the duration of your stay.
When taking your medical history, I will refrain from peering around the computer with one eyebrow raised.
After you scream profanities at me, I promise to bite my tongue until I make it to the break room where I will then begin foaming at the mouth like a rabid animal and dropkick my stethoscope into a box of urinals.