What the Hell: A Labor Story People love to share labor stories. I assume that means you’d want to hear mine. My aim is for this not to be the typical play-by-play of how far my uterus was dilated (though, if you’re dying to know I’d be happy to give you the details) but rather, … Continue reading What the Hell: A Labor Story
ARE YOU READY FOR CHILDREN/DO YOU SUCK AT BIRTH CONTROL? PLEASE COMPLETE IN FULL AND RETURN ☐Yes ☐No Do you or have you ever been sprayed in the eye with urine? ☐Yes ☐No When you go to sleep at night, do you hope to be awakened 1-8 times? ☐Yes ☐No Are you any good at laundry? ☐Yes ☐No … Continue reading Child Preparedness Checklist
I’m too lazy to write a blog tonight, so I’m just copying and pasting some of the potential blog material (unedited) I had this week: Read an article on Yoga pants becoming (always ahead of the trend, over here) the new uniform for many women. Read similar articles but this one nailed it. They referred … Continue reading Yoga pants: not just pants, but a lifestyle
Dear Lord, Protect these white tennis shoes, just for one day, from any onslaught of spit-up and/or diarrhea. Bless my home that the jackhammer in next door’s driveway will cease during nap time. Buoy up this banana, that it might have enough fuel to get me to lunch time. Please touch the lives of the … Continue reading Let Us Pray
So this one time I was at the hospital with both kids. We were headed for one of Robbie’s routine ultrasounds. Somehow, regardless of planning, we are always late. Late to everything. I’m not late. It’s not who I am. I literally almost puke every time I show up to something late. But these tiny, discourteous humans … Continue reading When you run into McDreamy in the Men’s bathroom…
I imagine walking through the Easter Clearance aisle at Target feels a lot like walking through a post-war village. Somewhere right outside of Candyland Proper. Tiny, sticky humans alone, barefoot…crying. Their mothers? Fathers? Gumdrop au pairs? Stalking the last bag of Reese’s eggs…pretending to take a phonecall…avoiding eye contact, (why does that peanut-chocolatey goodness taste … Continue reading The Kingdom of Sweets
Dear old hag at the grocery store, I’m writing you this letter public shaming because this seems to be the new custom amongst my generation when we’re pissed off. I’m not really sure how it works either, but I do know I’ll be damned if I’m the last person on this very generationally-appropriate bandwagon. Anyway, listen … Continue reading I will figuratively, cut you.