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Child Preparedness Checklist

 

ARE YOU READY FOR CHILDREN/DO YOU SUCK AT BIRTH CONTROL?

PLEASE COMPLETE IN FULL AND RETURN

☐Yes ☐No  Do you or have you ever been sprayed in the eye with urine?

☐Yes ☐No  When you go to sleep at night, do you hope to be awakened 1-8 times?

☐Yes ☐No  Are you any good at laundry?

☐Yes ☐No  Can you survive on granola bars?

If you answered yes to the previous question, for how long?___________

☐Yes ☐No  Do you prefer Curious George to television that isn’t terrible?

☐Yes ☐No  Have you ever held a baby in the air and caught spit-up in your mouth?

☐Yes ☐No  If Old McDonald was your ring tone, would this make you feel violent?

☐Yes ☐No  Do you know how to use a magic eraser?

☐Yes ☐No  Can you pee with someone watching?

PLEASE RATE YOUR ANSWER ON A SCALE OF 1-10 (1-VERY LITTLE 10-A WHOLE DAMN LOT)

___How important is your vagina to you? (if you are a man, please write N/A)

___How skilled are you at wiping the bum of an acrobatic eel after a massage?

___How betrayed do you feel when your child pokes your butt and tells you its “squishy?”

___Level of enthusiasm for 2 hour road trip that takes 5 hours

___How much do you like cold macaroni and cheese?

___SCORE

IF YOU ANSWERED “NO” TO MORE THAN 3 OF THE QUESTIONS, YOU ARE NOT READY[1] .

IF YOU ANSWERED “YES” TO MORE THAN 8 OF THE QUESTIONS, YOU ARE NOT READY[1] .

IF YOU SCORED “20” OR BELOW, YOU ARE NOT READY[1] .

IF YOU SCORED “20” OR ABOVE, YOU ARE NOT READY[1] .

 

[1] nobody has actually ever been ready. so you’re probably ready.

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