I’ve got a lot to say

Not unlike most days, I’ve got a lot of important things to discuss today.

I’ll start with clean eating. *cue eyerolling and exasperated huffs from those of you who just finished your Chick Fil A spicy chicken biscuit (myself included)*

A couple of months ago I embarked on this journey of “clean eating.” Fruits, Vegetables, whole grains, etc. WARNING: If you attempt this, please be sure to set aside ample time for bathroom breaks and lots of free-reading. Those cruciferous vegetables are no joke. And seriously…SO. MUCH. FIBER. After about a week your body starts to adjust and function properly again but it can be a rocky start.

Anyway-as a treat I would usually have fruit with honey, and occasionally 85% dark chocolate. Yes. 85%. About week two I had convinced myself that the 85% really had  curbed my craving for sugar. But then Easter came and my veil of quinoa and lentils was lifted. It was then that my
long-time love affair was reignited and I was reunited with those beautiful, white little granules eastercakecalled sugar (sugar, guys, not cocaine. sugar). If this were Biblical times, I would climb a mountain, build an alter and sacrifice all the Kale and Cauliflower on earth to the Gods of Sugar. If this were the Bachelor and Brad Pitt was to my left and White Granulated Sugar was on my right, I would gingerly lay that rose at the feet of the sugar and ride off into the sunset with some caramel popcorn.

Though, I have to say, eating dark chocolate is effective. Satisfying? No. However, after I’ve had a square, I find that I’m so sad, I’ve lost the will to quest for further treat-satisfaction. I just give up. I accept that I don’t feel bloated, and my pants, regrettably, still fit .

I also feel like I started thinking of everything in “wheat” or “non-wheat.” It was so stressful. Tortillas? Wheat tortillas. Pita? Wheat pita. Rice? Brown rice. Potatoes? Do they even make a wheat potato!? This is a DISASTER.

I also started this workout regime and would get daily emails with my set for the day, lifting tips, eating tips, etc. There were two that were particular gems. The first was an email with the header: “SQUATS: YOU’RE DOING THEM WRONG.” Son of a…how do they know? I’m trying! Can you hear me? I’M TRYING! The second had a header that said, “Want to burn 1,000 calories?” Yes! Let’s read on. *click* Okay, let’s see here. Oh, here’s the workout. It looks like all I need to do to burn 1,000 calories is: 100 jumping jacks, 100 crunches, 100 squats, 25 push-ups, repeat X4. *starts crying*

So, in conclusion. Clean eating is great, but so is bread pudding.

Everything in moderation, eh?

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One thought on “I’ve got a lot to say”

  1. mmmmm….bread pudding. I shall make you feel better by informing you that I will be the fattest Anderson at Josh’s wedding. Complete with a lesbian haircut:)

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