I Know You Are But What Am I?

The internet is a really good place to discover that people care about a lot of absurdity. Don’t worry, I include myself in this category as well (excluding my strong stance on the proper way to store toothpaste, which is obvi vital to our survival as a human race). What’s funny though, is that it’s not necessarily the outlandish, emotional claims people make on social media…it’s the people who respond. We (I’ll say “we” as I am guilty as well) see the words “in my opinion” and we just can’t keep our grimy, little hands off the shiny, gold lamp. We turn into the zombie-one-uppers-of-the-apocalypse. “Must…contra…dict…must…articulate…counter…point.” Now, I wrote a post a while back (you can read here) about how the internet provides a transformative shield and we turn into whiny jerks in the midst of online “debating,” but that’s not what this post is about. This is just a list of things that I’ve seen turn up on social media that yield a comment thread longer than the “S” Encyclopedia. And like the junkie I am, I am sucked down the rabbit hole every time.

“Parents should care more about their appearance when dropping kids off at school. Trying to look presentable in the morning will yield a better outcome for your child.” I have a hard time remembering if I’ve put both boobs back into my bra after trying to nurse a baby while getting my 2 year-old’s backpack ready in the morning and you want me to look presentable? Like, wear a brooch or something? If by “presentable” you mean sans milk/poop/vomit stains and some left-over toothpaste on my face then I think I can get on board. No promises though.

“Taylor Swift was born in December of 1989 so she shouldn’t get to claim the entire year for her new album.” I mean…who the H does she think she is? Quit trying to be 80’s gen, T-Swift. No, but seriously…this is a real argument that had over 2k comments. That’s right, 2,000 COMMENTS. Replies to replies. Bedlam. Straight up, bedlam, ya’ll. #swiftnation #taytayaintcraycray #swiftthis

“The most annoying things about fall is the #pumpkincraiz its just like valentines day being a $$ maker for Hallmark.” I don’t even know where to begin. Um, first and foremost, I’m totally comfortable with pumpkin getting all kinds of promiscuous with as many of the foods/drinks that it possibly can #getitpumpkin. Second, everybody knows those Little Debbie pumpkin cakes are The Truth #forreal (though, if your palate is as refined as your grammer, you probably wouldn’t understand). Third, what is “craiz”? Is that short for craisin? Like combining pumpkin and craisin? Pumpkin craisins?! Somebody do that, let me know how it is. Lastly, no. #icanteven

“People that say Chick-Fil-A isn’t fast food literally don’t understand the English language.” Okay. Let me address a few things here. Do you really think that when someone makes this claim they are being literal? OR do you think they could be trying to get the point across that Chick-Fil-A produces a mystical chicken tender that will live to never see a worthy poultry rival? Are we really going to quibble over the use of “literal” for like the 10 millionth time? #likeliterally. Oh, also, Chick-Fil-A isn’t fast food. #literallyyouretheworst

“If you don’t tip, Jesus probably loves you less.” I’m not really sure what to say about this one…I think that actually might be true.

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