So weddings are weird because you basically have the same characters every time, right? Let’s talk about that.
The Groomsman From High School: Yes, he’s still a tool. He’s made some strides and isn’t totally insufferable anymore, but you still spend 75% of your conversation deciding whether or not you wouldn’t be better off sacrificing a potential concussion after a “dizzy spell.”
The Unavailable Bridesmaid: She’s beautiful and witty but she’s out of your league. Pack up and move along. There’s a single’s table by the drafty window.
The Distant Relative: Who even are you? Why is your dress velour? I see that you are under the impression we still kiss on the lips, I’d like to take this opportunity to plead with you to stop.
The Pre-gamer: Yes, sweetheart, everybody can tell. And no, it’s not hot in here, that’s the Franzia talking. If you were trying to be discreet, you might consider a less-breathy introduction, this isn’t a 1-800 number.
Mr. Whats-his-name: Nobody’s really sure who you belong to. But while we’re having a chat, maybe you could stop eating so many of the appetizers. We’d prefer to save them for the guests we can identify. This isn’t a free-for-all…hands off the novelty sunglasses.
The Over Eager DJ: We all know that you’ve been playing some of your own mixes that you’ve masterfully arranged on your mom’s keyboard. I can appreciate you playing 98 Degrees to throw us off, but maybe wait until everyone’s a little more inebriated and if you’re lucky someone might mistake your auto-tuning for a bad Ke$ha song.
The Bitter Server: She’s seen it all and if one more person clinks a glass she’s going to go full-on Carrie and murder all ya’ll.
The Flower Girl: So she’s really cute and all, but I’m just trying to twerk over here and I think she just tweeted something about my dress being last season.
Oh, and let’s not forget the Macaulay Culkin Look-Alike. Or maybe it actually is Macaulay-nobody really knows what he’s up to these days anyway.