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There’s no ‘i’ in ‘tired’. Wait.

Its been a MONTH since I’ve posted anything. And my last post was outsourced to Rob so technically I haven’t posted anything in #forevs. Because I got a job. Like an idiot. Turns out, when you have a job, small humans to care for, and laundry that multiplies like a bad staph infection, your free time is quenched like a sad excuse for a boyscout fire (or like a buffer machine caught in an MRI scanner). I have found that if you cut out things like personal grooming and shampooing mystery stains from the carpet (it’s poop. It’s always poop) you might buy yourself 20-30 minutes of leisure a day, but isn’t it better to not have a unibrow and a house that smells like a toilet? I actually don’t know. Feel free to weigh in.

So here’s what you missed.

Working back in the ER. Turns out its just like riding a bike. That is, if the bike is actually a metaphor for instructing patients on the dangers of injecting bath salts (instructions: you’re an idiot). Its good to know the ER has a continuity that percolates across state lines. I will say the biggest difference is in the demographic though…I haven’t had a single gang member hand over their crack pipe they made from a broken lightbulb and swear on a Gideon bible that they want to change their ways. Its sad really, I kinda miss those guys. RIP Carlito.

We hired a nanny who was doing a fantastic job until she decided to quit showing up. NBD. It wasn’t like I was working two back-to-back night shifts and had to stay up around the clock grabbing a few hours of restless, hallucinogenic sleep in between. Its not as if that resulted in me labeling a blood tube as being collected in 1996 (such a good year), waking up to find one of my kids sitting in the tub in his pajamas, or being startled awake after falling asleep at the table with fork tines imprinted on my face. Definitely none of those things.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the nanny decided to ghost and after two days of calling and deciding something terrible happened, she posted a photo of herself and a friend on Instagram captioned, “…because when your bestie goes through a breakup you drop everything to be there for her.” Kill me. Kill me slowly with a dull spoon. I literally had to take a break from typing there because it took so long for my eyes to stop rolling in the back of my head. I wonder what it feels like to be #theworst?

What else?  I went to Chicago. Took a picture in front of the bean, ate some pizza and bought a hat.

Ran out of gas on the road, killed a spider with a lightsaber, lost Robbie in a museum, ate nothing but popcorn for an entire day and let all my spring flowers die.

I think that pretty much brings us up to speed. Presently, I’m just sitting here in the middle of a rug covered in crumpled laundry, strewn atop smashed mini muffins. And when I’m done writing this sad excuse for a blog, I’ll probably just nap for 70-90 seconds until my kids wake me up #sendbackup

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