Some Things

Shop. Not Shoppe. Stop with the Shoppe. Do you sell medieval weaponry? Old-timey brews and elixirs? No? Then stop it.

If you buy a truck, you also buy the rights to being asked to help move by everyone you know. Nobody feels bad for you. You’re the one that bought the truck. It is now your universal obligation. Just like being a doctor in your family means you have to diagnose and treat relative’s urinary tract infections. That’s the path you chose. C’est la vie.

I bought these Sour Cream and Onion Ritz crackers the other day. They are basically just a pricey¬†version of Chicken in a Biskit. All the perks of that delicious flavor without the shame of actually buying a product that spells “biscuit” with a “k.”

Trying to aim and pee in a cup 9 months pregnant is just absurd. I guess just pick a spot¬†and hope for the best. You’re going to pee all over your hand no matter what you do anyway.

I love when women write articles about “what men really want.” I just imagine guys reading it like, “nope, nope, not that either. Is she even going to mention sex in this article? Dear Editor…”

I try not to click on the trending articles they feature on Facebook. I don’t want to face the reality that out of the entire list of 20 Trending topics, the only one I’m interested in is Zac Efron making out with his new girlfriend on a boat. World news, no thanks. Passionate boat kissing?! What does that even mean?! *Open in new tab*

I always see these lists for “Summer reading for women” and after looking over the first 5 titles I realize a “Summer reading for adolescent boys” list would suit me better.

I can’t understand copy-cat recipes for candy bars. Aren’t candy bars like $.99 for a King size? I feel like that’s a lot of work. And besides, you’ll never achieve the same waxy-chocolate flavor that you get with Hershey’s, so why bother?

During one of my child-free preschool days I went into a cafe to have lunch. There was a sign that said, “No we don’t have free wifi, talk to each other.” The building may as well have had a banner announcing that the origin of a Smallpox outbreak was located in one of the booths. “Would you like a table, ma’am?” “Uhh…” *sprints away*

NOPE
NOPE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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One thought on “Some Things”

  1. That peeing business is so messy. Kind of thing you never get a chance to talk about with other people, but everyone agrees. Kind of like rental car farts. #justsayin

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