The Kingdom of Sweets

I imagine walking through the Easter Clearance aisle at Target feels a lot like walking through a post-war village. Somewhere right outside of Candyland Proper.

Tiny, sticky humans alone, barefoot…crying. Their mothers? Fathers? Gumdrop au pairs? Stalking the last bag of Reese’s eggs…pretending to take a phonecall…avoiding eye contact, (why does that peanut-chocolatey goodness taste so much better in the shape of an egg? Is it the peanut butter:chocolate ratio? WHY?!) each and every one of them taking part in an elaborate coup. You sneak by and make your way down the aisle. You hear a snap and feel
cadburyeggsomething on the cold linoleum…Cadbury creme pooling beneath your feet, fresh from a perilous fall from the top shelf (see this previous post for my feelings on Cadbury Eggs). Why did it have to go down like that? Who would be so careless? It’s no resting place for a treat so tasty but there’s no time. It’s 9am and soon the carnage will multiply as you find yourself flanked by an army of SAHMs accompanied by their Jihadi toddlers. You’re searching, but you can’t find what you’re looking for. $.99 egg dying kit? Pass. $5.00 giant chocolate bunny? You wouldn’t mind chewing the ears off the damned thing but still…you pass. Surely, there is something here that you need. You’re not sure what yet but you better believe it will have been marked down three times and it will have been well worth the trip. This is Target and you will get the bargain you came for.

And when you see it…you know.

9 brand new, pastel jump ropes. Originally $1.00. Marked down to $.30.

What a relief you decided to go when you did. You just can’t get that kind of big, big savings everyday, ya’ll.

It’s an Easter miracle.

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