Is it just me or are the holidays like a black-out-binger that begins the last week of October and ends the first week of January? All of the sudden you wake up on the 2nd of January and realize you’ve decorated your house with produce and trees that have all died, there’s glitter everywhere, and none of your pants fit. I feel that is all the explanation I can give for my brief sabbatical these past weeks.
Back to business.
During a lapse in judgement one night, I decided to take a Buzzfeed quiz. On principle I usually refrain because for whatever reason I always end up relating most to the antagonist of any given novel or film. Shut up. Anyway. One of the questions that was going to determine my “likeness” to a character was “What is your biggest fear?” They listed a few of the generic answers (i.e. spiders, heights, commitment, button-fly jeans, etc) but after thinking about the question for much longer than warranted, I was struck by my conclusion.
My biggest fear: talent shows. Humiliation. But aren’t they one and the same?
People loooove talent shows. But if you don’t sing, tap dance (tapping is the only acceptable form of dance for a talent show. Maybe clogging. But you don’t want to be the one gyrating to a tired hit by Janet Jackson. Trust me-I would know), juggle, or play an instrument (no, the recorder doesn’t count), there’s really no place for you.
When I think about what I would do in a talent show I feel like someone just asked me to explain the legislative process *starts humming, “I’m Just a Bill.”* What skills do I have that I could share with the world? On a stage. Wearing sequins?
If I could get my hands on a medical mannequin I could show you the proper technique to insert a foley catheter? We could even add all sorts of obstacles like extra layers of paper mache to mimic a little adipose tissue, poor lighting, maybe puppet strings to make the mannequin a bit combative, and even some trapdoors and I bet I could still keep sterile technique. Wearing sequins. No? Too much?
Maybe I could show you how to tube feed a toddler and nurse a baby at the same time? That could get weird but it might be an option.
I can triple snap my fingers. To music. Wearing sequins. So.
Oh! I could show you how to whip up a killer excel spreadsheet. Seriously. For that matter, if anyone is interested in learning QuickBooks, I was pretty good with whatever version was out 8 years ago. I don’t suppose that’s still relevant?
Put together something from Ikea? I’ll probably only have to take it apart and put it back together like two…three…max six times. On a tangential note, I don’t really get the strange little man in the instructions who uses his rotary telephone to call Ikea for help. But then I’ve never been to Sweden so maybe the people there have softer edges.
I know they’re not great options but I feel like I need to stay on my toes in case I’m ever caught in a mandatory-talent-show-scenario. Like I have to throw a fiery, twirling baton…or else. This stuff haunts my dreams.
No, it actually does.