Things my mother taught me

  1. Hover. For Pete’s sake, hover. Toilet seats are to be seen, not sat upon.
  2. Never show too much gum when you smile, nobody likes too much gum.
  3. Thou shall not ever let a hotel duvet touch thine skin. You will get chlamydia, you will die.
  4. If a waiter hasn’t given you enough ice, shake your cup at em, that’ll do it.
  5. Pepsi hydrates just as well, if not better than water (she’s a nurse, she would know).
  6. Regardless of what stage of life/shape a women is in, she will always be looking to lose “about 2-5 lbs.”**
  7. While at the beach, you sit in the water, you eat pretzels, you drink diet pepsi (obvi), and reginasmomyou alternate reading horribly sad non-fiction with The Wallstreet Journal (no exceptions/substitutes).
  8. Is there a chance your soda has gone flat? Open a new one. Live life never knowing the darkness of a fizz-less beverage.
  9. A good bra should be a top priority. Support them so they support you.
  10. It’s cooler to like Bob Seger than it is to like Josh Groban (sorry Josh, your most recent hit sounds just like Train so I don’t even give you credit for it when I hear it).
  11. Paint your nails, you’re not a barbarian.

What did your mom teach you??

**Rob should really get credit for pointing this out

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9 thoughts on “Things my mother taught me”

  1. I think I’m really like that. Do you think there are any others like me? Cause really its so accurate. I just can’t argue with any of it. and it all still seems important and not the least bit foolish. And if it is I can’t help it.

  2. -Plant flowers even if they’re going to die immediately.

    -large plants should be given a name-our palm tree was called Murphy.

    1. I can definitely get down with the first one. I’ve done it so many times. I finally bought fake plants for my pots outside. Whatever.

  3. If you don’t know the name of a plant, name it after the animal that you’ve seen eating it. Example: A mystery berry is being eaten by a deer. Ifso facto, the name of that plant is called a Deer Berry.
    —Bonni Hartman

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