CATEGORY: BODY SHAMING
1. Son: “Dad, you have a baby in your belly.” Parent: “No, I don’t.” Son : “Then why is it so big?”
2. (While poking my belly) “You’re kinda squishy, we need to fix that.”
3. “Mom, you have big nipples, mine are tiny, tiny.”
4. Baby pulls my shirt down and my grandson says, “Wait was that your elbow or your nipple?”
5. Child: “Mommy, when you sit on the potty do you fall in?” Parent: “No I don’t.” Child: “its because your bottom is a lot bigger than mine!”
6. “Your arms are soft, and they kinda dance when i poke them.”
7. “Daddy love you even though you are old, you know Daddy old people don’t look as good as you.”
CATEGORY: STOP TALKING
1. After meeting our neighbors my then 6 yo comes home and my husband and I ask her what she was talking to the new neighbor about, she says “oh don’t worry, they know their black”.
2. My 4-year-old once told his teacher to “wake up and smell the grape juice.”
3. My 3-year-old’s teenage babysitter showed up with new braces and my daughter looked at her mouth and exclaimed, “Ooo you got a necklace for your teeth. I like it.”
4. When I was struggling to nurse my new baby, my daughter was only 2-years-old at the time, she would try to cheer him on by saying, “Get it! Eat that boob! Bite it!” I made her leave the room for nursing after that because it felt weird.
6. I was eating some ice cream with a cherry in it at our after first day of school date. My daughter said, “Mommy, watch out for the nipple!” Me: “Um, what nipple?” My daughter, (totally deadpan, not a joke): “The nipple in the cherry. It’s in the middle. You can’t bite those.”
7. “Mommy, why is your pee pee hiding?”
CATEGORY: PUBLIC HUMILATION
1. My kid sticks a ear of fake play corn in her zipper.. Go to my sister “look shay shay I’m a boy”
2. In a bathroom at the movies. My mom had one too many cookie dough candies. My sister who was 6 at the time cried out “MA IS THAT YOU STINKING IN THERE?”
3. We are at Petsmart picking out a hamster and my 4 yr old is amazed when he turns the little guy over and screams out (definitely in his outside voice), MOMMY, HE HAS A PENIS!!!!!”
CATEGORY: CHEEKY TO A FAULT
1. Parent: “I need you to come get your diaper changed.” Child: “I’m a busy man. You’ll just have to wait for me.”
2. “What da heck is going on around here?” from my 2-year-old
3. “What kind of mom goes away and leaves her little kid with a dad who can’t cook?” (from my kid when I was I was visitng family in PA)
4. “Do u think I can find a husband who only farts in private?”
CATEGORY: CLEVER, AREN’T WE?
1. “Our bamboo plant is getting out of hand. Dad, can we have a panda?”
2. Parent: “You’re getting your sticky hands all over my new shirt.” Child (3-years-old): “So, uh, like buy another one.”
3. “Well, you know what?…” always followed by a big fat lie. Always.
4. My 4-year-old made a little dirt town on my mother in law’s bedroom floor (with the dirt from her plant) and when Grandma asked why he replied “Did you see me do it?” When she said no, he replied “then how do you know it was me?”
CATEGORY: YOU’RE FREAKING ME OUT
1. Parent: (speaking to my toddler) “I have to go throw the baby in the tub really quick, can you stay here?” Child: (wide-eyed) “Can I watch you throw him in?”
2. Child: “There’s a ghost over there.” Parent: “What’s he doing?” Child: “Watching me.”
3. “Mom, I’m going to die today.” Drops to floor and after a few seconds says, “Well, aren’t you going to give me the magic potion!”